SISTERS, IT IS OK TO HAVE MULTIPLE MARRIAGE PROPOSALS, BUT HANDLE IT THE FATIMAH BINT QAIS WAY

Fatimah bint Qais (May Allah be pleased with her) is a famous female companion of the prophet known for the hadith of the anti-Christ and another one that created a lot of controversies because it goes against the Quran. In this scenario, it is contained in Sahih Muslim that when she finished her iddah period after her divorce from Abu ‘Amr bin Hafs, she told the prophet (ﷺ) that Mu’awiya bin Abu Sufyan and Abu Jahm had sent proposals of marriage to her, whereupon Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said: As for Abu Jahm, he does not put down his staff from his shoulder, and as for Mu’awiya, he is a poor man having no property; marry Usama bin Zaid. She initially objected to marrying him, but he again said: Marry Usama; so she married him.

There are different levels of lesson that may be derived here.

· Know your worth! What is your worth?

Fatimah bint Qais was no ordinary woman. She was among the early emigrants to Madinah, a jurist, a teacher and a narrator of several ahadith from the Prophet ﷺ. By virtue of her knowledge and status, she is obviously a desirable woman worthy of being vied for among senior companions of the prophet ﷺ. As a woman, what virtue do you possess? If it is only your beauty that made men swarm around you like a locust, always remember that the beautiful ones are yet to be born. The reality of marriage goes beyond holding your beauty as the only substance of value that you possess. Your beauty would wane over time and so also would your value to the man who married you just for that beauty. Arm yourself with knowledge of the religion, endeavor to strive to become like the great women of old and see how Allah would elevate your ranks. Your worth would attract only men of substance and not just anybody who would not appreciate the greatness Allah has bestowed you with.

· Your standard might be wrong

Fatimah bint Qais initially objected to marrying Usama bin Zaid. In fact, the hadith didn’t explicitly mention her bringing up his name from among the prospective suitors. At times, when there are lots of options to pick from, you tend to pick a bad one. I have heard severally that women know what they want in a man but those standards are most times unrealistic. We have them in thousands desiring to marry popular musicians and actors. They are the ones that would desire the Sudais of this world when it is the Brother Tundes trying their best to read the Qur’an with their Ibadan voice that is disturbing them with proposals. This also played out in this case. The prophet ﷺ mentioned and recommended Usama to her even though she initially objected. This marriage eventually became a blessed one for her. When you want to decide on who to marry, always consult with those who have the experience, knowledge and insight. Consult with those who understand your condition, situation, preferences and background so that they can matchmake you with those of similar features that you would love and cherish. And of course, do your Istikharah.

· Brothers should always Soro soke

The prophet ﷺ knew about the condition of Usama bin Zaid as someone that has the capacity to get married. Fatimah bint Qais brought two proposals, but the Prophet ﷺ who knew about the soft and gentle nature of Usama bin Zaid recommended him to her. Scholars may shed more light on this, but what is apparent is that, Usama had told the prophet about his need for a wife at the time Fatimah came to him or probably the prophet knew about his situation. If you are in need of a wife, always inform people who are in the position of leadership or those that are close to you so that when the opportunity comes, you would not be missing a lot. You might be losing out if you keep keeping such a beautiful thought to your heart.

· You have no business talking about marriage

The prophet ﷺ told Fatimah that she can’t marry Mu’awiya because at that time, he had nothing to his name. The prophet ﷺ taught us here that as a man, do not even think of it if you do not have what it takes to take care of the needs of a woman. I could remember vividly when I was in 400L, I told my father that I am in the Khitbah stage with Sister Lagbaja. The reply I got was concise, “Are you not the one that would still call me for pocket money next week that is talking about marriage? Shior!”. Of course, there is nothing bad if parents can help to get their children married, but as brothers, we also must look at reality before making that bold step. Iman cannot solve this one, you better continue fasting if you cannot afford the basic amenities for your wife. Like Mu’awiya, many brothers are presently at the struggling stage of our life, let us not jump one stage before reaching another. If truly you desire Nikkah, get something doing and with Allah, you can get to the stage where properties are attached to your name and then you can talk of taking another man’s daughter as a wife. Earnings no matter how humble are enough to start a family. Don’t intend to start one with none.

· Marriage recommendations should be frank

One of the most risky ventures is recommending people for marriage. This is because you are directly influencing their future. Always say what you know of the brother you are being asked of. There is no protection of faults here. If you know of a habit that needs telling a prospective husband or wife, please say it for they may be hinging upon what you say for their decisions. The prophet ﷺ gave two opinions on two people which are directly related to what he is being asked of. He didn’t go on and on upon what doesn’t matter to the discussion at hand. The prophet ﷺ surely loves Abu Jahm and Mu’awiya and what he said about the two does not reduce this love or their status as noble companions of the prophet. This is marriage and what needs to be said needs to be said. You might be surprised that some sisters might even prefer someone of the nature of people you are trying to hide and you would be awed that some brothers love that thing that you think is detestable in a woman. Say it as it is and leave the person in question to decide for him/herself.

May Allah assist us all.